Yes, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Yes, he was the man I wanted to marry. Yes, I am still trying to come to terms with it. And no, I'm not completely over him.
However, I am surprisingly doing ok. Better than I even imagined I would be doing back when we split up.
In all honesty, I felt totally ruined when it happened (which I suppose is normal when you've thought you've found "the one"). However my view on it has changed: I am looking at this as a very positive thing that happened. I am refinding myself through this experience. I am redefining my future, with ME as the main component, not US. I got lost in plans, idealistic fantasies and the security that he represented. But now, at this point in my life, I am reveling in the idea of being my own first priority. I get to be selfish, do things I want to do, be who I want to be and learn how to be ALONE.
Alone.
It's a scary word. We all know those people who are utterly terrified of it. The people who jump from relationship to relationship because they can't stand on their own two feet. Not to make judgments, but at that point, is there really validity in their relationships? Do they truly "love" that ever rotating void they call their "signficant other"? Or are they just spineless; afraid that they couldn't survive without someone by their side.
I am wary of the word. I think we all are, to an extent. It's hard not to be, the media, our friends and life around us tells us that security only comes with a partner.
However, I do not fear it in the way that some do. I'm confident in the fact that I am, and have always been, an incredibly independent person. When I first entered into a relationship with someone who wanted me to be more dependent on him, I initially refused. However after a few months, I slowly came around, and he trained me to become less of an individual but more as a component of a couple. I lost a little of my independence. I became someone I hated; someone that was trying to depend on someone else to make them happy. And, when ultimately, he stopped making me happy, I was unable to do it for myself.
Sure, I miss having someone there. I miss having that constant person to cry to, to listen to me complain, to laugh with, to snuggle with at night. But I also missed many things when I was with him; like reading a book without the TV blaring in the background, or talking about politics without having to endure a blank stare by the other person, or eating dinner at the table, and not the couch.
Being with someone doesn't make you happy. Furthermore, being single doesn't equate to unhappiness. And sometimes, it takes being alone to realize this. Sometimes, you need to remind yourself what makes you happy and realize that you can never be happy in the presence of others unless you are happy with yourself. And happiness truly does have to come from within.
I am excited about regaining control of myself. And I think it's good, for everyone, to experience being alone. One needs to know how to make oneself happy, and to know how to enjoy life without someone holding your hand along the way. I've got a wonderful family and group of friends, but, at the end of the day, I'm the only one I can forever count on.
The new Katherine can do whatever she wants. She can go away for the weekend without checking with the other person. She can go to bed when she wants, wake up when she wants and cook whatever she wants (and if that means ice cream for breakfast, so be it!). She can pack up and move to China on a whim (although lets face it, she's not THAT adventerous).
The new layout reflects the new me. There's some pictures from various backpacking trips. As many know, love the outdoors and I love being active, however I had to often force my significant other into doing these things with me. I want to regain this love of mine, because it's not something I feel I should have to compromise.
Because in actuality, I shouldn't have to compromise who I am at all for another person. Sure, relationships are about compromise, but one's identity should never have to change for someone elses approval. I deserve to be loved for exactly who I am; even if that girl is a little off her rocker at times.
This process has let me rediscover and reappreciate myself, and I absolutely love it.
(PS, for your fellow hippies out there, I hope you appreciated my Bob Dylan quote that described my blog. I think it sums up perfectly my intent for starting this blog. Well said Bob, well said.)
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